If we had everything our way...

If I were able to get everything I wanted anytime I wanted, the world would be nothing to me. I would have no reason to smile, move forward with a purpose, or do anything. While I am somewhat spoiled (hey--I am an only child), I do not get everything I want or wish for. I visited a friend this weekend and I met his 4 kids for the first time. Sweetest little happy faces you ever did see!! They were excited to meet me and I was excited to meet them. I quickly learned after working with "little people" (as I like to call them), that they are soooo much work! Yes, I've babysat, worked with kids in small groups, blah, blah, blah...it had been a while so this new group was like starting over. Like I said--sweet kids, very mindful and respectful--Ms. Bea likes that! BUT, at the same time, Ms. Bea was out of shape and practice. What would I do if I had a baby today??? 1) Lose it; 2) call my mama for back up, 3) call Jesus when they all go to bed! Essentially, I'm really not sure. So, what am I saying???

Be grateful for the time you have: whether you're alone (married/single), with/without kids, etc. There's a reason, just ask God to show you if you don't understand. He will provide you with the understanding. What I learned is that even though I thought I was ready for kids, I really wasn't. If God had granted my request when I asked, I'd be in a world of hurt right now! I wasn't ready. To have a child when I asked for one would have been more than this only child could have handled. So grateful for the lesson, so determined to heed discernment, so happy to be in His will.

Enjoying the life you have

Recently, two of my nearest and dearest became engaged. I'm so overjoyed for them; they will never know my true happiness and excitement for them. Does that mean I'm sad about my situation (being single, and childless)? Absolutely not! I'm enjoying the life I have and all that's in it. Society may say that I need to have a family, but what about the family of 1? I still love me, care for me and am not willing to settle to "play catch up".

Some of you may not know, but my birthday is coming near. I enjoy planning my day and living it up to the fullest! This year's plans are already in the works. I will be alone--by choice. I love my friends but understand that with my day being so close the Christmas, it's hard to consider spending money for dinner or just to hang out when the kids need and want things. It's understood. So, this sista is doing it solo.

At the same time, I get to reflect on what I've done so far with the life I've been given: mistakes, upsets, triumphs, happy times, you get the picture. I'm better than I've ever been and will only remember mistakes as not to repeat them. I'm excited about the future and am walking in true and utter victory. The only person that could stop me is me--and I'm not (at least, not anymore).

Beautiful, Excited, and Anticipatory--that's me!

It's been a while...

Well, it's been a while since I've written for my blog. I've been really busy with school and church; please forgive me. Just catching on the tv scene, friends and other parts of life...wheeewww...

Frankly, I'm honored. I don't have any children, but people trust me with their kids and the kids love me. I have plenty of friends and help, a great place to live and, this year, no regrets (so far!). I've had the opportunity to work with various individuals who were less than stellar. Thank you: it's made me stronger, wiser, happier and more excited about what I'm able to handle as a lady, as a person and as a Christian. I've crossed hurdles, leaped obstacles and gracefully made it to the finish line with each challenge.

I've learned more than anything that before I can do for someone else, I must, must, must do for me. How can I take care of someone else's house when my house is "not in order"? That makes no sense. In my recent challenges, I've learned and am continuously learning to say "no". It's not to hurt anyone or disappoint anyone. It's to love and honor myself first and not giving in to daily pressure, ignorance, but to satisfy and love me first.

This weekend, I participated in the Woman's Choir at my church--3 services. It was great. I met women who were not jealous of each other, helpful, and more determined than ever to give their all to God. 100 strong! While we weren't perfect, we were understood and welcomed.

That's enough for now...

New Experiences, New Growth

Whenever, I'm rejected for something I ponder on what I could have done to make the situation better. Was my outfit professional enough? Did I use slang where I should have had a professional tone (or vise versa)? Did I answer a question correctly? Or did I miss something?

Sometimes we're rejected for situations not to ponder, but for us to wait. We need to just "sat down" as the seasoned generation I've grown to know would say and wait on God. There's a certain patience that must be obtained and trust from God. Why is it that we can trust the mailman to deliver mail on time and correctly, we can trust our companies to deliver our paychecks on time and in order, but we can't or have trouble waiting on God and His time--which is the perfect time--for everything? What's our problem? Why do we, made in His likeness and image, have trouble with the one being that removes all trouble anyway? Yeah, it sounds backwards...maybe because it probably is.

This year for my birthday, I'll be another year older. I'm happier, wiser, and kinder than I've ever been. It's because of patience, new experiences and new growth. Thank you, God, for all you've done for me.

They Know Not What They Do...

It behooves me that some people assume that you will remember everything--and they remember nothing. You almost become their pet panzy and they remain on top. To these people (the ones on top, or think they are) I say--get over it. You're really not worthy. Not at all. Your attitude is not worthy contributing to the air I breathe, the time it takes to kill a gnat, or to continue thinking about it. But it is worth mentioning to you, the one who is unconscious of your own misguided actions. Look in the mirror and see your wrongs and correct them.

Don't assume anything in life: ask questions. Remember: just because someone has the information, don't assume everyone does. Give people the benefit of the doubt, but don't be abused either. Some think the world is all about them--not! Forgive people who know not what they do understand what they do.

Moving forward, not backward--throw the past away. Your future of possibilities, hope and no assumptions is waiting.

Happy People

I've learned (and am still learning) the key to being happy to is to satisfy yourself and God. While you can not have 2 masters, you can have small things (i.e. Starbucks, movies) under His power and resolve. Just ask--that's all you have to do. Remain positive and all will work out. You may not see your victor's final defeat, but do you really have to? No. Keep moving forward and pressing upward--all will be well.

Surround yourself with happy people: no, not the people who keep a smile on the outside and pain on the inside. The people who genuinely make your heart sing and laugh 'til your face hurts. Those people. Don't know any? Know very little of them? Find some; they've got to be out there. Ask Him to show you where they are.

Forget retail therapy: credit cards are yucky! Pace yourself and enjoy the live you've been given.

Friends?

That's a strange word. A friend has taken on a new meaning today, but if you remember the old meaning (c'mon, take a trip back with me): you may have fought during the week, but were back to liking each other by week's end; you stayed the night at each other's houses, you joked with each other and everything was cool, laughter was a must! Now, kids fight and don't let go of the grudge. If the fruit is turning up rotten, spoiled, or judged harshly--what's wrong with the tree? What's wrong with the environment the fruit is being brought up in? Just food for thought...

I really love my friends. They are good for me and to me. There are some people that I consider to be acquaintances: people I know who I'm not too sure of his/her character yet. Yes, I understand them but sometimes their actions or words can lead them to trouble. If you're associated with them, they could lead you to trouble, too.

God is one friend that has remained a constant. He never changes or leaves. Sometimes things happen harsh because: a) life ain't fair, b) there's a lesson to be learned and c) it's really good for our character. We become stronger and valued because of our adversities. If you fight with human friends, pray. If you really want the answer, wait on it. If you're confused, still wait for His answer--it will come.

Father, I thank you for both the positive and negative outcomes I've experienced thus far.

The Pieces of Your Blessing

You know, sometimes the blessing is staring you in the face and you may not realize it. Over the years here at the same job, I've met some really nasty acting people. They have the biggest attitudes ever. Loud in talking, using all caps in messages, these people are a journey (meeting them was the trip)! But I've realized that sometimes your image, your habits, your issues that you want and need to correct are being realized through these people. If you listen carefully to them, watch their mannerisms (with you and others) and they'll tell you about one person--yourself. God will allow your reflection to show in others. Are you showing yourself friendly? Are you being positive and helpful as much as possible (i.e. are you loving thy neighbor as yourself). Sometimes you just need to, not just do you, but work on you.

The difference: to work on you, you're taking a candid, hard look at yourself in the present and agreeing to change what's needed. Baby steps are what's needed, and they are often the hardest to take. Dare yourself to be true to yourself--you deserve it.

Lord, help me to be honest with myself to make ground-breaking changes that will bring me closer to you. Amen.

New Lease on Life

Yesterday, I got a favorable report from my second opinion: I'm okay. I don't have to worry or be afraid of anything anymore. While I may not be able to have children of my own someday, I'm okay with that. God has given me much more and from that I see that my cup runneth over.

Endometriosis (short version) is when the uterine lining finds its way outside of the uterus. It can cause severe bleeding, major pain and more headaches in life than a woman should be allowed to have. For years, I was the woman with the issue of blood. I suffered for 18 years before I knew what the condition was even called. I was labeled as just "having a problem" with mood swings and irritability. I didn't know what was going on, just that I was different.

I decided to get a second opinion, after much debate, because I wanted to make sure no treatment option was missed (besides birth control pills or surgery). The information I was reading from different websites and what other patients have been through put me on the path to a full or partial hysterectomy and more pain or pills that make your moods so bad you physically want to hurt people. It was a dangerous time for me. I'm changed pills and am beginning to exercise more. I'm watching my food intake (I don't like the word diet--yuck). With God and much favor, I'm where I'm supposed to be. On this journey, I'm learning to be more relaxed and anxious for nothing. I'm more confident in myself than I've ever been and I'm ready for the next phases in my life.

The world says children and husband are the next logical steps! But does God say that for everyone? No. At first, that was a tough pill to swallow: that I would not be able to have a family right away. Something I've dreamed of for years that still has not manifested into a bright reality. Along the way, I've met other friends who are like family and have just as much fun. My glass was always full, but I saw it as have empty. Now, I'm stepping up and out into a new life.

Father, thank you for this new lease on life and the greatest opportunity to learn, to grow, and to trust You even more. I love You!

New Year, New_______

Happy New Year to all of you!! This year will consists of more smiling and more friendships. Yes, I said more smiling. Many of you think I'm "mean" or something is wrong. Nope, nothing's wrong--nor has it been for sometime. To that I say, be careful of what you said--it could be misunderstood as judging. And we don't want that, now do we??

This year is about new triumphs and new adventures. So far, I haven't been afraid of my own shadow and I'm ready to meet new people. While it's already hits some serious lows, I'm positive all will work out for good.

Father, taking Your hand and walking cautiously I'm ready to reach new heights and growths beyond my wildest dreams or measure.